Unhappily Happy??? So, is it?
I have never been so unhappily happy in all my life. I love my family and my life. My husband is beyond amazing and I feel like I don’t appreciate him enough or show him enough love. My children are great and they are far from “typical” children. Yes, they have their moments of forgetfulness, being irresponsible and lazy but they are really, really good kids. How many kids do you know these days that respond with a “yes ma’am” or “no ma’am”? They’re respectful, smart and so damn cute!
And my beautiful baby girl Charley who can be extremely demanding but is so freakin’ amazing! I love everything about her (ok, maybe not the excessive need to be carried 24-7) but I don’t know where I’d be without her. Just 2 short years ago I thought I was done having children and then came divorce, followed by new love, new marriage and tah-dah…new baby! My world was turned upside down in an absolutely wonderful way.
I love my home and my extended family and friends and my entire life so I just don’t know why I’m so fucking depressed. I must admit, at less than 2 weeks postpartum I was crying about 17 times a day. No lie. And the hubs made me see my OB who delivered the “You’ve got postpartum depression” diagnosis.
Please know that I never had the “I want to kill myself” or the “I don’t want my baby” postpartum. It was more like, “We can’t go jet skiing now…..wahhhhh!!! Who’s going to watch the baby!?!?!” It was absolutely ridiculous and I knew it, but damn….I couldn’t stop myself from thinking “What did I do?”.
So they put me on this little blue pill that worked almost immediately and the crying stopped within 24 hours and I felt like myself again. I had never ever had depression in my life and during that time, I felt so sorry for those who had to deal with it. It was completely uncontrollable and as I would cry over something so ridiculous, through my sobs I would explain to my husband how I knew I was being an idiot but I just couldn’t turn my thoughts around and I couldn’t shut off the water works.
So here we are today, and the last couple of weeks have been rough. No tears (until about 5 minutes ago when my husband came in and put his arm around me to check on me), but certainly on the brink at least one or two times a day. I have ZERO FUCKING PATIENCE for anything and I feel like a horrible person because I’m super bitchy and no, I can’t use Aunt Flo as an excuse right now. Dammit! I’ve been short and somewhat rude and any little thing my children do incorrectly just pisses me off beyond belief.
Who is this person?
I should mention, I stopped taking my “happy pills” about 3 or 4 weeks ago and I’m back at work now so I think combining those two would make most people go nutty. But, I am extremely anti-meds and I don’t want to depend on those happy pills anymore. I’m much better than I was 2 weeks post-pregnancy and maybe I’m just moody, maybe it’s not postpartum creeping back up again. Right?
The hubs thinks I should start my postpartum happy pills again. Maybe. Maybe in a week you’ll get a complete 180 post from me.
In addition to the above, I have completely (maybe not completely, completely) given up on my clean living. With working again it is so tough to get my ass in the gym to workout but I could certainly do it if my mindset was right and I just fuckin’ did it! I mean my goddamn gym is in my garage for christ sakes! But I don’t do it. I’ve been lazy and although I’ve been eating pretty clean still, I have definitely had more cheat meals (or cheat days – today was horrible) than ever before.
Self sabotage?? I don’t know. I am just in a big, fat, negative rut and I MUST get out of it. Hopefully by venting here this evening, it’s a step in the right direction. Hopefully my mood will improve and tomorrow will be better.
God I hope so.
I look much thinner from this angle. It certainly helps seeing this after the “wrong way” weekend that I had. I was fully prepared, but apparently not so fully motivated, to eat clean on SuperBowl Sunday.
That shit didn’t happen. You know how people say they had a little bit of everything? Well, I had a lot of everything. Including a few beers that were so delicious!
So my weigh-in this morning, well you guessed it, the scale went the wrong way. GRRRRR!!! But I am of course back at it this morning and the photo above is my post workout photo. It was leg day. OUCH!
(And just a note, that is the tie on my pants, I don’t have a pointy belly button.)
I think most of us who end up over weight attribute it to our love of food, and possibly our hatred for exercise. When I get hungry, and then very hungry, I tend to eat crap. Especially if there isn’t any easy options in the house.
I’m making my life a little easier and trying to help make my waistline a little slimmer by prepping. The above pic is meals I’ve purchased and the below, some quick protein options that I whipped up at home real quick.
It is such a lifesaver to have meals ready to be warmed when you work full-time and parent 3 kids just the same. I still have my urges, especially alcohol with my life right now. :) But I’m surviving.
On another note, is this inappropriate? Ahhh…who cares! It’s delicious!
Fat Free Yogurt/Natural Peanut Butter/Half Banana
Measure! Measure! Measure!
I am keeping a tight grip on my calories and more importantly, what types of food enter my body.
I think there are two versions of clean eating.
You stay within your calorie count each day but you still add salt to your food, use condiments when you want, and dine on delicious Fiber One Bars and Skinny Cow Fudge Pops. You still eat multiple small meals a day rather than a few larger meals and you stick to leaner meats, salads and all that crap.
This is the version I was doing for the last 2 weeks and during that time I had 2 cheat meals.
Your grocery list consists of tilapia, cod, tuna, turkey breast, oatmeal (barf!), eggs…lots of eggs, broccoli, asparagus, avocados, cottage cheese (double barf!), sweet potato, natural everything, yogurt, almonds, protein powder and so on. Oh and lastly, no cheat meals. :(
This is the version I have started today and the one I will stay on for the next 60 days until my local competition comes to an end.
The first 2 weeks were sort of an intro phase, now this shit is real. Even though I’m participating in these competitions and using them as a motivator to get my butt in gear and becoming the me I once was, winning would be fuckin’ awesome!
Meal preps to come.
I’m one week in and weighed in this morning. I am down 4 pounds. My feelings about that number are …. ehhhh…it’s ok. It was week one and I know a few adjustments that need to be made in order to make improvements.
My weigh-in for my second competition is early Thursday morning and that’s the local one. I will have a nice cheat meal the evening before to pack on a wee-bit before the weigh-in.
On another note, this is my last week on Maternity leave. Lucky for me though, I work from home and I will have family here watching the littlest one. I will still be able to spend the mornings with her and still be able to stick to our nighttime routine. I’ll just miss all the cranky in-between. To me, I’m not going back to work, I’m going on vacation. Working is a cake walk compared to raising 3 children full-time.
Happy Monday All!
I’m being lazy, not typing today just a video. :)
And I am somewhat educated in diet and exercise thanks to my time as an NASM Certified Personal Trainer. But I still LOVE food!
Today is only halfway over but it’s been much easier than yesterday. I just need to kick this headache which doesn’t seem to want to go away. Probably because I’ve stopped drinking my morning coffee.
Today was day one of being back on the clean eating and workout train. I survived but wanted to give up about 9 times throughout the day. Especially when I see this cutie eating brownies in the kitchen…
I downed more than 101 ounces of water which equates to about 12 glasses and went to the restroom to pee about every 7 minutes. Seriously. My meals were clean, small, and frequent and I managed to get a workout in before Noon. Which, with an almost 4 month old, is pretty damn good.
I am exhausted. Mentally mostly and that’s due to the constant pep talks I was giving myself today. “Remember why you’re doing this, Sarah.” and “Think about Summer and wearing shorts and Oh shit! A bathing suit.” and “You can do this! Don’t give and up.” and “You have to start sometime so it might as well be now.”
I was surprised at how difficult today was. I thought for sure it would be a breeze since you really don’t feel the effects on the first day. But nevertheless, I made it and that’s all that really matters I guess. Sure I thought about eating the whole pan of brownies and wiping out the candy drawer in one sitting but I didn’t. :)
All I really want now is a big ass
glass pitcher of wine.
Today is the last day before my 90-day challenge begins tomorrow. The 60-day competition begins on the 24th but I’m going to have a 12 day jump on that one. My weigh-in stats will be a bit lower for that one but I think I’ll still make enough of a change to have a shot at winning.
I have weighed, measured, and obtained my BMI and BFP which can all be seen HERE. I also took Before photos but I am just too embarrassed to post them here. Even though I doubt anyone reads this, I’m just not ready to let others see how much I’ve let myself go. I haven’t even showed them to the Hubs.
For my final cheat meal (at least until I have another cheat meal after a complete 2 weeks of clean eating), I think I’ll be having Sushi. A lot of it!
Fitting in my workouts around my very demanding (almost) 4 month old will be challenging but I will make it work. I’m ready to whip this body back into shape.
Wish me luck and a whole lot of determination and temptation resistance.